Author:
spygurl121s_penFandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Um… nothing specific… Ronon is in it…
Summary: (Summaries are not my forte, but the fic is better, trust me!)
John long ago made the decision it would be his life for Rodney’s.
John is hurt and captured giving Ronon and Teyla a chance to get a severely injured Rodney back to Atlantis. While everyone on Atlantis is frantically searching for John and losing hope, Atlantis shows Rodney a recording that was to be given to him upon John’s death. Angst with a happy ending (the only way I like my angst!).
Note: Ok, so randomly I wrote a country love song from John to Rodney to be given to Rodney upon John’s death. And I loved it, but I’m not a lover of the angst, so I wrote this story…
Not beta-ed, comment if you are willing to, that'd be nice...
Note 2: I'm really in love with this story and really proud of it, so I would love to know what you guys think :)
I never could find the words…
John knew it was a suicide mission. In a more than the usual Pegasus Galaxy suicide mission kind of way. But Rodney was hurt badly and if he didn’t get medical attention soon, he would die. John knew this in an instinctual way and he ached with the knowledge. Ronon was the only one who would be able to carry Rodney fast enough and Teyla would be needed to fight the guards left at the gate when John was carrying out the distraction. As far as John was concerned, there wasn’t even a choice to be made. His life for Rodney’s it was that simple. Ronon looked like he wanted to argue, but something in John’s face must have convinced him otherwise and he took off, Teyla giving John a knowing look before following.
If I had just one wish, I’d have given you a goodbye kiss…
It wasn’t supposed to be a difficult mission (it usually started out that way…) but things had spiraled out of control quickly. What appeared to be only a small settlement was in fact just the stargate gateway village, one small piece of a vast civilization. A civilization that was so technologically defunct Rodney had murmured something about cavemen. However, they seemed eager to trade and Rodney had high hopes for ancient artifacts. Which it turns out the Simonans (as the natives were called) did have, and apparently worshipped. Rodney committed the grave sin of touching one of the ‘gods’ and by the time John, Teyla, and Ronon had managed to pull the mob of people attacking him, Rodney had suffered severe injuries and was unconscious and bleeding heavily and John was pretty sure he’d suffered massive internal injuries. They had escaped in the opposite direction of the gate, and by the time they were safely hidden, they were out of ammo. Their check-in point wasn’t for another three hours, the massive native army was closing in on them, and Rodney’s pulse was rapidly fading. But as John ran towards the city, he knew that his decision hadn’t been made at that moment, in fact, it hadn’t even been made that day, or that week, or that month. In fact, he was pretty sure it’d been made when Rodney had excitedly started babbling to him about a personal shield and was willing to let John shoot him. Not that John realized this until this very moment, though he’d realized the emotion behind it long ago.
When he falls to the ground, body now full of arrows, his only regret before blackness overtakes him is ‘I should have kissed him’.
All the things we left unsaid…
It takes Rodney 3 days to regain consciousness. And they are still no closer to finding John. What they have established is that this primitive city in fact was just city on one planet of a fairly massive primitive empire that had thus far managed to escape others knowledge simply by killing everything and everyone they came in contact with who didn’t by the whole ‘simple village’ front. They scoured the planet, adding 9 more patients to the infirmary, and have since come to the conclusion that John is no longer on the planet they had originally visited. And apparently everyone there was promised the Pegasus Galaxy’s version of 42 virgins, because none of them were talking. However, they had determined that one of them had in fact seen John alive, but barely, two days ago.
After Rodney rants on for almost an hour about the vast incompetence of everyone in the city, Carson orders everyone out before a bloodbath ensues. Rodney resigns himself to trying to find some way to figure out the planets they may have taken John to and sits on his laptop, scouring the Atlantis database for any hint of the Simonians. He falls asleep with him laptop sitting open in his lap.
He awakes 5 hours later to find Lorne in critical condition after another attempt at determining John’s whereabouts. Panicked and worried that soon they won’t have enough people to keep searching, Rodney is grasping at straws, which usually stirs him into finding a solution, but all he can think is ‘I never told him I loved him’.
In a city that loves us both…
John never said anything about the way the city spoke to him, but Rodney was always certain that she did, something he often felt pangs of jealousy over. Rodney knows, in some instinctual way that John knows Atlantis better than any of them, and maybe even more painful still, Atlantis knew John better than Rodney.
She did know John, she had long conversations with him, conversations that needed no words, only the loving caress of a skin on metal, the pounding of feet through a corridor and the constant hum of her love. Atlantis hid John when he didn’t want to be found, comforted him when he needed it and couldn’t ask, sung him to sleep when he felt too world weary to ever sleep again, and loved him when he felt he could never be loved. But Rodney didn’t know that she was jealous of him, of the human named Rodney McKay, whom her John loved even more than her. She was not bitter, for she knew her John needed such love, someone who could truly hold him, someone who could make him see that life was indeed worth living, someone who could kiss his unshed tears away. And, if she had to choose, she couldn’t have chosen better for him. Oh, Rodney was harsh and loud and biting, but she knew, from the way he touched her, the way he loved her, the way he loved her John, that if anyone was worth of her John’s love, it was Rodney.
It had been almost 4 days and she knew that something was wrong, so very wrong, she knew that this wasn’t like the longer absences he had had before, this was different in a very bad way. She knew and she was mourning. But Atlantis had hope. Deep inside, she knew that he couldn’t be gone, because he had yet to know love, and Atlantis’ chosen son was destined for great love.
But they were losing hope and try as she might, she couldn’t give that too them. Or could she?
Some people wait a lifetime…
Rodney was in the database when it appeared in front of him, John’s face replacing the woman who usually spoke to them. The sight almost brought tears to his eyes and he stepped away from the platform out of shock, but it didn’t turn off. It took a moment for the words to register, for him to understand what John was saying, but when he did, he was, for once, at a loss for words.
“Rodney… damn it!" that part was muffled.
"I didn’t have any personal messages to record… but I realized there was someone I did want to say goodbye to. I’m really bad at this, but I suppose, when you see this, it wouldn’t matter right? You can’t torture me forever for this, since you won’t hear it until I’m dead. I gave Atlantis very specific instructions and she likes me better than you.”
John disappears from the screen for a moment and Rodney’s stomach is full of butterflies by the time he reappears, holding a guitar. When John starts to sing, eyes closed, that familiar drawl crooning out passionately, Rodney knows immediately that John wrote the song.
“You should know I love you, more than words could say, and if I ever lost you, I don’t think I would last another day.
I never saw it coming, don’t know how I could, it came out of no where, hit me hard and fast…
This love for you it burns so strong, it burns so bright
All who wander are not lost, but I am lost without you, and every fiber of my being knows it’s true…
Here I am, here you are, so close, but oh so far…
All the walls I put up are coming crashing down, all the pain I hide behind my smile opens up before your eyes
Do you see it? Can you feel it? I’m so afraid to ask…
Rules and regulations, followed all my life, they say I’m a rebel, I suppose it’s true… but I’d give up all they’ve given me for just one night with you…
But I can’t, no I won’t, because I’d give it all up to save you and I will…
I know one day I’ll die, probably someday soon, and so I leave behind this message for a love I can’t deny…
This city we both love so much, she cradles me in her touch, knowing she will never fill the void…
I need you to know, that I loved you with all my soul, I need you to know, that though I never said it, I have always felt it…
This is my goodbye, my love, I’m sorry we didn’t have the time…
I would have loved to grow old with you, but I’ve always known it wasn’t meant to be...
If I had just one wish, I would have given you a goodbye kiss
I’d like to think I died a heroes death, but I don’t really care, just remember me, remember me, love, please remember that I love you…”
The tune is a sad country ballad and Rodney doesn’t notice the tears falling down his face until one dribbles into his mouth and he wipes furiously at his eyes as the recording ends with John reaching out to turn off the camera.
A love that the will stars sing of…
Without a word, Rodney suits up and heads to the control room, punching in the gate address of the planet where John had originally been taken, his silence and determination shocking everyone until he all but demands a weapon. Elizabeth argues, Carson argues, but Teyla and Ronon remain stedfast by Rodney’s side and when he can’t stand Carson, Elizabeth and the few others who are pestering him anymore, he lets out a deadpan, cold “SILENCE!” and for the first time in probably his whole career, everyone does exactly as he says.
“Either you help me or I go by force.”
Ronon growls a little to emphasize Rodney’s point. “But somehow I doubt anyone here really wants to stop me from saving John’s life, and if they do, they do NOT want to get in my way.” Elizabeth was speechless and Carson replied with “I’m coming with; you’ll need me to tend to him when you find him.” Elizabeth didn’t even argue the point; she was staring at Rodney still.
I’d do anything for you…
The only people who truly know what actions were taken to ensure John Sheppard’s rescue were those who participated. These events were left off the report submitted to the SGC and Elizabeth Weir, though she did not know what secrets exactly she was protecting, ensured that no one would ever ask. These events were spoken of only once, during the twilight hours, about a month later, between two lovers in the night who held each other through the tears and the pain that the words evoked.
And for years afterwards, no one ever understood why John Sheppard would blush and smirk whenever Rodney McKay made a snide comment about “a sappy country love song”.